Choking Hazard: dismember the '90s? Part One
domination playtime with the Kenner sextoys again
whip me on the ballsack with the Snake Alien
missile in my pisshole, it really shoots
when you pull my cock out by the root
i launch my love-rocket and the scrotum-yogurt follows
it goes down the wrong hole when you go to swallow
stuck in your windpipe, your face turning blue
do the Heimlich while i fuck you because this is how we screw
we can force-feed each other small moving parts
color me cyan because our sex is art
i've got an arsenal of weapons from my G.I. Joe collection
inhale some Lego bricks while you build me an erection
you said that you were faking, so choke on your lies
i wanna push Mr. Potato Head pieces through your eyes
use a foot-long Slim Jim to swat your thighs
junk cultural artifacts i sexualize
it's the same fucking thing i wrote in Hillbilly Teeth
except without the dentures in your stinky beef
this time the game is asphyxiation
when we try to eat the Battle Station
it's technically non-toxic, but that isn't the point
cough until you vomit as i fondle my joint
hard spots in the carpet where the puke has dried
mark the place where Stretch Armstrong was crucified
it's time to put away childish things, like my dick
nostalgia poisoning can make you sick
if one more franchise gets rebooted
offenders will be executed
you changed the Ninja Turtles, so get down and pray
the guillotine falls and your blood will spray
dismember the '90s, throw them away
in a dozen garbage bags along the highway
Buck Adams Presents
Shaved by the Bell
five minutes in, you'll think you're in Hell
Adams himself in the role of Screech
stabs you right in the brain with his speech
nails on a chalkboard, dick in a butt
turn it on mute if you wanna nut
what seems odd is how did they get
an actual highschool gym for a set?
the shower scene is the movie's climax
I wish I could've seen it on IMAX
and got lost in a forest of bush
majestic hills of boobies and tush
here comes Screech with the shaving cream
to lather up the volleyball team
and shave them bald with a plastic bic
in a twist ending, they all suck his dick
FuckToons, despite the name
is a live-action porno flick of ill fame
in the tasteful tradition of classic shows
like Beaver and Buttface or Hornio Bros.
it's a nightmare of rubber prostheses
babyhead masks and plastic hairpieces
filmed in a funhouse suburbanoid hell
Dr. Calagari colored in pastels
somewhere around the end of act two
when the big red cat and chihuahua screw
I realized I had indeed become hard
so I cured myself with a punch in the nards
ejaculating to this movie
would be anathema to me
Patty finally sucks his pieder
and finds out why they call him Skeeter
The Lost Whore: Jurassic Pork 2
I caught it one night on Pay-Per-View
didn't see the first one, but I'm sure
it involved anal sex with a dinosaur
for a porno, the budget was huge
Buck Adams is the Spielberg of spooge
THIS is what was missing from porn:
a tricerotops with dildos for horns
before they fuck, the dinosaurs fight
T-Rex eats her cunt in one bite
the latex t-bone steak his jaws catch
is the base of a dildo up in her snatch
he fights for grip and his teeth gnash
to pull the plug and open her gash
it was slippery with KY, but he managed
to fuck her right in the Dino Damage
Full Flavor
(chorus)
unshaved, unwashed
nut-butt_er squash
flavor country
welcomes you home
uncut, unclean
well-soiled machine
happy birthday
open your mouth
(verse 1)
i wear condoms in the shower
so i don't wash off the stink
it's as normal as a grown man
hangs out at the roller rink
it has taken my whole life
to cultivate this odor
it'll terminate your senses
like a 12-gauge autoloader
herpes warts provide an ergonomic
pebble-textured grip
i hope you like a stronger taste
because this ain't no filter-tip
(verse 2)
so come to where the flavor is
as smooth as diarrhea
and just like Marlboro Reds
it's seasoned with urea
on the sticky bathroom tile
get down on your knees
i've heard you whining all night long
but now it's time for cheese
my life ambition is to someday
own a bar called Smelly Dick's
if your preference is menthol
you can grease me up with Vick's
Trash Juice
(verse 1)
out behind the strip mall, looking for love
going through the dumpster without any gloves
found a dirty diaper wet enough that i can fuck it
and a used tampon, extra crusty, so i suck it
beneath a leaky trashbag, i saw a lovely vision
her scabby green fur matted down with hobo jissom
(chorus)
trash juice squirts from her garbagina
smells worse than north carolina
ultimate fantasy sex with a grouch
coathanger abortion named joey in her pouch
trash juice drips from her garbagina
stink lines all the way to china
dive into the dumpster, then into her muff
it may not be right, but she's got the stuff
(verse 2)
like a compost heap, her body was steaming
gives hot garbage a whole new meaning
she peeled herself open like a gooey patty-melt
i shoved in my fist just to see how it felt
i pulled out followed by a gush of mushy peas
got my pokeball ready to catch a rare disease
(verse 3)
she's got a pet roadkill cat named shkwooshy
lucky for her i love shmelly pusshy
with a banana peel condom i slide into her hole
chicken bones and dirty needles sticking in my pole
worms in her booty hole, maggots in her snatch
she squats over my face and it all goes down the hatch
Dt90s Pt. II: A Dramatic Reading of Erotic Hot Wheels Attack Pack Fanfiction (posted on alt.sex.truckfuckers June 6 1996)
Click here to read the text of the story.
Feed Your Children Crystal Meth
(verse 1)
you're having trouble getting your kids to keep still
doctors tell you discipline comes in a pill
but the same exact thing can be cut up into lines
with this one weird trick, fix your babies' broken minds
(chorus)
FEED THE CHILDREN CRYSTAL METH (repeated)
(verse 2)
Ritalin is just a fuckin' name-brand scam
it is to meth as Treet is to Spam
in the trailer park you don't need a doctor's scrip
just point Jr. at the mirror and have him take a rip
(verse 3)
you're a good parent, so you'll do what it takes
sprinkle shaved ice on their frosted flakes
better start'em early, or they'll never get ahead
if they don't get into Harvard, then it's better that they're dead
(verse 4)
your meds don't have to come from a pharmacy shelf
in the basement or the bathtub, you can make'em yourself
good home cookin', what a mother should provide
so your little babies' braincases are neat and clean inside
Combat Jorts
(verse 1)
when drug-dealing ninjas have kidnapped the mayor
i work best alone, so this game's single player
these fights will be final, and i've gotta win'em
slip fingerless gloves on and acid-washed denim
the backstreets are raging, the tension is high
for good ventilation, i open my fly
ascending the levels as enemies fall
the last thing you see when you die is my dick and balls
my dick
my balls
my dick and balls
my hairy dick and balls
(chorus)
bare-knuckle blood sport
in cut-off jean shorts
i'll rip your guts out
and all with my nuts out
if you bring the blood rags
i've got the speedbag
if you wanna best me
you must bust my testes
(verse 2)
the walls are graffitied, the dumpster's on fire
the gangs own the streets and the outlook is dire
but i'll wreck your shit with my spinning jumpkick
your eyes fill with blood as you stare at my dick
when i use my crotch to catch an uppercut
in every sense, i have busted a nut
and although my scrotum is bruised blue and black
i secretly love it when large bikers abuse my sack
(outro)
stonewashed denim battle panties ready for the mission
love-gun locked and loaded, my equipment in position
the commander's purple helmet peeks above the waistline
unzip the bomb-bay doors, commencing operation vengeance of the hairy brain
Broken Trampoline
(verse 1)
trash yard full of broken glass
cans and sparkplugs in the grass
get up on the trampoline
soft-head injury machine
rusty frame is bent and twisted
greenstick fractures spring-assisted
threadbare fabric ripped and mangled
through the holes their legs are dangled
bouncing higher, up and down
broken eggs lay all around
(chorus)
instruments of childhood trauma
that which doesn't kill them, comma
toughens up the little whelps
sometimes darwin needs some help
building character with scars
break them on the monkey bars
weakness-culling pain machines
playground sets and trampolines
(verse 2)
abandon caution all who enter
fortress built of nails and splinters
the swingset chains creak and sway
a toddler-tossing trebuchet
teeter-totters, jungle gyms
both are good for breaking limbs
no wood chips beneath their feet
the surfaces are all concrete
so when they fall down with a thud
we can wash away the blood
Suicide Gun Collection
Click here to read the text of the...poem, or whatever the fuck this is.
Dismember the 90s 3: SLIMECOP GOES TO HELL
no lyrics