Freedom Funnies vol. 1
(verse 1)
21st century depravity
blasphemous american satan family
in a time of great excess
saturday mornings, Uncle Buttsex
executions on tv (let's watch!)
that's how you know we're free
this is as good as it gets
fill your house with plastic shit
(chorus)
I WANT YOU
to jack off
(verse 2)
restless longing fills your heart
fresh possessions fill your cart
big bargain bonanza
touch your head to the checkout scanner
catch the scheissegeist
a nation of antichrists
what you want, you will get
plenitudes of plastic shit
(verse 3)
now the plastic mask is off
the godfearing veneer cast off
we're evil, together
doesn't it make you feel better?
smells like apple pie
freedom from the pious lies
thy will be done, i'm gunna cum
US satan #1!
I <3 the Antichrist
(verse 1)
we're at the End of History
but everything keeps going
the tank is full, the dice are hung
and the AC is blowing
the whole wide world arranged
for our convenience and pleasure
i see no reason why
this regime shouldn't last forever
we've got six hundred sixty six
flavors of potato chip
eat the ice cream of the future
while you ride the rocketship
(chorus)
things are always gonna be this way
it's always gonna be this way
this is how everything'll stay
it's always gonna be this way
just how it is today
it's always gonna be this way
things are always gonna be this way
it's always gonna be this way
i heart the antichrist
heart the antichrist
SATAN IS OUR GOD
(verse 2)
sundays through the shopping mall
a-wandering we go
to wonder at the miracles
this culture can bestow
Auntie Anne's pretzel pushers
feed my sick addiction
Big Dog t-shirts parody
the papal crucifixion
jizm-flavored jelly beans
pixel pasty titty teens
blowing twenty dollars
on the Revolution X machine
(verse 3)
there's a story on tv
about kids suffering somewhere
i just change the channel
because i don't have to care
if it makes you feel bad, son
remember that you're blessed
and your blessings number more
than the varieties of Crest
we've got more and better stuff
than anyone has had
there's a barcode tattooed on our foreheads
but it's not so bad
We, Todd, Did
(chorus)
we, Todd, did
we, Todd, did
sofa king
we, Todd, did
find the magazine you hid
flipped through it and flipped our lid
whoo!
Todd, did
we, Todd, did
recover what you were rid of
you thought no one would look there?
you are so fucking stupid
(verse 1)
we were in the couch
digging for change
under the cushion
we found something strange
this funny-looking
magazine
crusty like
a Krispy Kreme
about the size
of a Reader's Digest
some kind of stupid thing
where Families Confess
but why are all
the pages sticky?
why's it make us
feel so icky?
(verse 2)
our little brain
doesn't know what it means
and we're getting close
to spilling the beans
we're still pissed off
that we didn't get to rent
Dweebus and Dipshit
Kill the President
but we might be dis-
inclined to squeal
if you're amenable
to making a deal
mom doesn't have to know
and this can all go away
if we get the Dreamcast
for our birthday
Drink the Lava from the Lamp
(verse 1)
i double dare you, i triple-dog dare you
it's burning hot, but don't let it scare you
put your lips to the beaker of brew
with molten gobs of psychedelic goo
blue as a smurf, twice as delicious
it comes from the earth, so it must be nutritious
suck it down like a genie's nut
your guts are melting and they're coming out your butt
(chorus)
drink the lava from the lamp
(verse 2)
it came from the Brenda Spencer Gifts
where the employees don't like the monday shifts
and for some fuckin reason it's also a phone
made for the amusement of the constantly stoned
it's convenient that you can dial 9-1-1
with the same device you killed yourself with for fun
organ meat turns to liquid with maximum hurtage
spurts from every orifice with worstful squirtage
(verse 3)
it's de-evolution, returning to ooze
looking like the discharge from a cavewoman cooze
you can no longer speak, you only gibber and squeak
every time we plug you up you only spring another leak
as your brand new blowholes continue to spray
i bottle what i can, you would have wanted it this way
it's a shame that all that groovy spooge got spilled
but i can use what's left of you for a lamp refill
Pink Stink
(chorus)
Pink Stink
it does just what you think
Rubber Seems Realer(TM) quick as you blink
bring your latex to life
make it smell like daddy's new wife
any scent that you please
from Jungle Rot to Genital Breeze
one whiff of stinky pink mist
your dick gets hard and you're weak at the knees
(verse 1)
step one: take out your love gun
aim it where you wanna cum
pocket puss, silicone bum
however you have your solo fun
shake up the can
spray that thing that's made in japan
let your schoolchums smell your fingers
they'll think you've become a man
now you're ready for sex
fuck that thing like Theodore Rex
scaly pee-pee making whoopi
with aromatic SFX
(verse 2)
but wait - there's more to this pitch
so what if your mom and daddy ain't rich
you don't have the latest model fleshlight?
you've got what it takes to make a sandwich
take a slice of meat
microwave a jack-off treat
spray it with a sexy fragrance
like A Lady's Bicycle Seat
after, slip it back in
to the package as you stifle a grin
hear your stepmom say as you walk away
"the balogna tastes like pussy again!"
Demons Will Rape You When You're Dead
(verse 1)
you've never got your shirt tucked in
ketchup is crusted around your chin
a Burger King crown sits atop your head
demons will rape you when you're dead
(verse 2)
you blew a skullfart from your snout
millions of snot droplets spraying out
who knows what kind of disease you'll spread
demons will rape you when you're dead
(verse 3)
your hat must be screwed on way too tight
you didn't get my order right
i wanted the artisanal sourdough bread
demons will rape you when you're dead
(verse 4)
in traffic this evening you cut me off
eager to get home to jerk off, no doubt
then away in your monster truck you fled
demons will rape you when you're dead
(verse 5)
your lawn's overgrown with the wrong type grass
you probably don't even wipe your ass
your haircut looks dumb and your name is Fred
demons will rape you when you're dead
(verse 6)
demons will rape you when you die
gnashing your teeth you'll writhe and cry
this is where your transgressions led
demons will rape you when you're dead
Ride the Ducks
(verse 1)
your twelve year old doesn't get the big deal
he says "OK, it's just a boat with wheels"
he doesn't understand that one of the choices you make
everyday, as a man, is whether or not to drive into the lake
here for the weekend to see the attractions
so take your chances on this fatal contraption
forget your worries, trust in the lord
this is your captain speaking, welcome aboard
(chorus)
c'mon, c'mon, ride the ducks
it looks fun, but you might get fucked
when you get that sinking feeling
you better not be under the ceiling
c'mon, c'mon, ride the ducks
this is a deathtrap and you're fucking stuck
you took your family on vacation to Branson
you might as well have got a gun and killed them
hey, c'mon, ride the ducks
your kids are yelling "daddy, this ride sucks!"
the driver told you that you might get wet
they still haven't found all the bodies yet
(verse 2)
this baby is practically new
decommissioned after world war two
if the weather stays clear, we'll be totally fine
there hasn't been an incident since '99
don't get your tighty-whiteys all in a wad
it's mostly not-dangerous, honest to god
and fun for the whole damn family
except for when there's mass casualties
The Desacralization of the Vatican (tonight at 9/8c)
(verse 1)
the eyes of the saints are lifeless and blank
the gates are all smashed by New Order tanks
Swiss Guard corpses are scattered around
bloody vestments litter the ground
the square swarms with cameras and crew
it's showtime, so without further ado
here's the star of the program, the man of the hour
who, despite the big hat, does not have magic powers
weak and withered, shriveled and old
we're gonna nail him to a cross of gold
it's the biggest television event of all time
if you miss it you'll die
TONIGHT AT NINE
(chorus)
the desacralization of the vatican
make the city of rome heathen again
barbaric blasphemy, pay-per-view
maybe later we can make it a zoo
the desacralization of the vatican
evict god and declare this a house of sin
a gilded brothel with clergy for whores
fuck em in the ass, slam their dicks in doors
(verse 2)
the big poppa can just "hang out"
while we get down to what this nights's about
the Setian XXXorcism
with the black book and the unholy jizm
up the steps goes the weirdo parade
of volunteer perverts here to get laid
all they're wearing is goat heads and socks
the censor will tastefully scramble their cocks
upon the altar they fuck like dogs
followed at ten by the running of hogs
the inner sanctum desecrated by swine
live from the city of lies
TONIGHT AT NINE
(bridge)
we'll take the holy relics
dip 'em in acrylic
sell 'em at the giftshop
now a dead saint
can tickle your taint
holler "Thomas, don't stop!"
true cross toothpicks now on sale
buy one get one holy grail
shroud of turin matching towels
jars of pickled bishop's bowels
PlanetFake
(verse 1)
you won't find the underground on a t-shirt in the Hot Topic next to the fashion sneakers
or providing the soundtrack to your shopping experience over the speakers
they don't put you in the magazines if there's anything about you that's actually extreme
if they're not mainstream, why are they on tv?
(chorus)
25 years too late
you'll realize all the stupid shit you liked is fake
and everything you claimed to hate
you'll think it's fucking great
it's all a part of the slow process of dying
it's just what happens with the passage of time
and then you die
(verse 2)
that must have been some fantastic ad-man type who figured out this marketing tactic
"angry youth who don't fit in are a lucrative demographic"
all you gotta do is keep the grievance vague, screaming incoherent rage
the kids in black will eat that shit up like a coprophage
(verse 3)
schizophreniac ranting, self-mutilation, basement rooms full of bad things
necrosexuality, none of this shit was a threat to the people that ran things
if they thought it was a problem, then they would have shut it down
it might be a sign when one of your idols dresses like a clown
Foodcourt of the Gods
(verse 1)
a supermassive indoor space
a hundred thousand in one place
every one with things to do
protagonist of their own movie
kids running wild, as young as eleven
here's a little rat-faced fuck named Kevin
he sees a lot of things that he can't have
and plenty more he'd like to grab
big-titted sluts in skirts of denim
he's got a scheme to see up in 'em
going around with a cootie detector
impersonating the Pussy Inspector
(chorus)
six floors
the great indoors
bigger than a dinosaur
the foodcourt alone has a population
like a termite infestation
hot slop
while you shop
hell beneath, whipped cream on top
the crowning jewel of our Satan Nation
the pinnacle of human civilization
(verse 2)
more than anyone could eat
every known species of meat
exotic eggrolls of the Qing
you'll have one of everything
in your gaping face you put
frankfurters by the foot
big wads of dough, potato-ade
crispy fried hot grease grenades
you'd barely touched your gorilla nuts
when you felt a gurgle in your guts
colon's swollen, bowels are bloated
halfway to the bathroom when your butthole exploded
Kill Him Again!
(verse 1)
guess who's back, the 2nd Cummer
just in time to be a bummer
this party just got started
to stop now would be retarded
it's set up how we like
a thousand year convenience reich
this dickless hippie piece of shit
thinks there's something wrong with it
he's sad about the poor and the junkies and whores
and he's hollering about it in the Wal-Mart store
he's bothering the customers and he won't stop
somebody call the cops
(chorus)
he comes on all preachy
wants me to get weepy
i'm trynna watch teevee
kill him again!
he says no ice cream
while kids are starving
he's fucking up our thing
kill him again!
we got it good here
fridge full of cold beer
then here comes this godqueer
kill him and kill him again!
(verse 2)
the cops arrived to save the day
and take the crazy man away
not to some institution
to the place of execution
bullets, beatings, buzzsaws too
he'd just respawn as good as new
after attempt number three
they said "put this sucker on tv"
should he swing from a rope or get eaten by goats?
call in and cast your vote
after the twelfth iteration
God gives up in exasperation
Limp Weiner
(verse 1)
the Britney cd
your wrinkled weewee
you sit there palpating your pud
on the porcelain throne
you can't find your bone
your dickmeat is devoid of blood
LIMP WEINER
spend 40 minutes on the toilet bowl
massaging your gummi lifesaver roll
finally squeeze out a pathetic load
dead sperm go spiraling down the commode
(verse 2)
your wife's out of town
the kids aren't around
you go out and meet some cheap sluts
you forgot to bring
your viagra ring
now how can you get in those guts?
LIMP WEINER
before the great whore you stand there exposed
kneading your little tube of biscuit dough
squishing and stuffing it into the hole
after you give up you pay her to go
(verse 3)
the Britney cd
your wrinkled weewee
you sit there palpating your pud
you forgot to bring
your viagra ring
your dynamite stick is a dud
LIMP WEINER
a life's disappointments have taken their toll
spine's made of jello, a wet cardboard soul
dwell in a sedated un-pleasure dome
you don't really live here, but this is home
LIMP WEINER
Blobjects of Desire
(chorus)
i want to fuck thee computer (x3)
it shows me vagina pictures
i want to fuck thee computer (x3)
i wanna FUCK THE FUTURE
(verse 1)
erotic electronics
housed in smooth translucent plastics
backlit, you can see through
bioluminescent blue
like the sex organ of some alien mollusc
in whose gelatinous embrace you find solace
(verse 2)
kybernetik jellyfish
spreads her slot for compact dic
slap the case, see it quiver
as the viscous teknoplasm shivers
you feel some give as you push it in
penetrate the membrane
Phantom of the Megasupercine-plex
(verse 1)
all of you
want what's shiny and new
until every town drowns
in homogenized goo
it's all the same
who is to blame?
the art deco dream palace
went up in flames
when you go
to your next picture show
when they turn down the lights
you might reap what you sow (oh...when i sew up your hole)
(chorus)
i was very badly burned
the business i devoted my life to was spurned
by the cretinous shithead tripe-consumers
who would soon receive the reward they'd earned
now the mega-multiplex
will fall beneath the phantom's hex
when you sit down in the dark to dream
you will feel my fingers around your necks
(verse 2)
my revenge
fully unhinged
the blood of the victims
shall flow like a minge
hot buttered brains
popcorn and pain
the red velvet cushions
will help hide the stains
like a shark
i hunt through the dark
if you tell the usher
that makes you a narc
(verse 3)
movie time
be quiet while i'm
in the row right behind you
reenacting war crimes
up on the screen
a tasteful love scene
there's no full penetration
it's pg-13
the entire
theater burns with desire
the exits are bike-locked
when i set the fire (i set your dad's half-hard dick on fire)
Electronic Fart Machines
(verse 1)
i use Things You Never Knew Existed
to furnish my home
i wish someone would call me here
on the Fart'n Phone
the clock farts the hour
i get up off the floor
you could set off the Fart Alarm
if you walked in the door
all alone, i'm watched over by fart-
machines of loving grace
i think James Joyce would like this place
(chorus)
I WANNA DIE I WANNA KILL MYSELF (x3)
i'm trapped in wacky fart fuck hell
I WANNA DIE I WANNA KILL MYSELF (x3)
there's no way out, there's no one else
(verse 2)
i haven't left the house in days
i'm sure i've lost my job
the front door just makes farting noises
when i turn the knob
i'm frightened of the rubber asscheeks
mounted on the wall
their vision's based on movement
so i curl into a ball
i put the barrel of a .38
up against my head
no bang, it just goes *PFFFT!* instead
Hell is Forever
(verse 1)
you see the world in crude cartoons
the world will be one soon
and you've become a joke
God stepped out for a pack of smokes
it's time to wake up, Jack
Daddy isn't coming back
tell the world "I QUIT!" today
kill yourself at Chick-Fil-A
(chorus)
quit bitchin'
eat mor chikin
flick your Bic and
HELL IS FOREVER
loud yellin'
burnt-hair smellin'
eyeballs swellin'
HELL IS FOREVER
death's grinnin'
the world keeps spinnin'
your agonies are just beginnin'
HELL IS FOREVER
HELL IS FOREVER
HELL IS FOREVER
(verse 2)
smear yourself with spoiled grease
a human candle for world peace
it doesn't sound too peaceful though
but what the heck do i know?
bonfire in the parking lot
looks like you like it hot
the kids can watch the conflagration
they'll get an education