Pink Teeth

(verse 1)

standing at the checkout counter

tabloid trash and fat-assed moms

fill my pockets with a dozen

different flavors of lip balm

push them out like neon dog dicks

orange and pink and blue

bite them off right at the base

and i start to chew

soon streams of rainbow-tinted spit

are running down my chin

when the flavor starts to wear off

i just stick a new one in

there's warnings saying "do not swallow"

but i really think i should

if you're not supposed to eat it,

why'd they make it taste so good?

(chorus)

PINK TEETH (repeated)

TROPIC FRUITY RAINBOW VOMIT (also repeated)

(verse 2)

all this colored wax is more

than my poor guts can handle

i squeeze out groovy tie-dye turds

like asshole-scented candles

i think i've solved the problem

of my asscrack getting chapped

solved my dry-dick with a squirt

of lotion in my lap

if you think i'll do what i'm supposed to

bitch, you're out of luck

and now if you'll excuse me,

i would like to fingerfuck

vienna sausage up my asshole

and shit out potted meat

it gets matted in the fibers

of the fuzzy toilet seat

Mouth Cancer

(verse 1)

here's how the sordid story starts:

kissing dirty women on their private parts

if you want to taste the bearded clam

you'd better get that beaver a dental dam

lured by the juicy snatch aroma

you'll end up a human papilloma

Deep Thought has revealed The Final Answer:

eating pussy is the cause of cancer

(chorus)

lick around a pussy hole

it's worse for you than dipping Skoal

condemned to die, deformed and horny

why didn't the Surgeon General warn me?

(verse 2)

I didn't care to get vaccinated

or how many cervixes I assassinated

unconcerned with HPV

it wasn't tragic until it happened to me

I should have just stuck to using my dingus

'stead of carcinogenic cunnilingus

now I sound like Taz through the facial tumors

sobbing that I should have believed the rumors

Hagfish In The Bathtub

(verse 1)

i got this pacific hagfish

now i'm ready for bathtime

it's one of nature's miracles

changing water into slime

round and round my new pet swims

dispensing phleghm within the bathtub

when it brushes up against

my nuts, i get a little half-chub

slippery between my fingers

a writhing neck i gently choke

milking glandular secrections

from both of us with each stroke

it squirms between my naked thighs

and ties itself in pretzel knots

i just relax and lay back

in 40 gallons worth of snot

(chorus)

plastic ships and rubber ducks

leeches and lampreys that suck

none of these bathtoys will do

i want one that makes it's own goo

eyeless, jawless bottom-feeder

scavenge on my worthless peider

bite my dick and make me cum

while i drown in viscous scum

(verse 2)

literally bathed in mucus

a Lovecraftian baptism

feeling like i've caught a load

of Great Cthulhu's sacred jism

but the elder gods demand

great sacrfices from their priests

all i have to offer: two glazed hams

a proper god-damn feast

use your nightmare pussytongue

to rim me like a blue whale carcass

slide between my buttcheeks like

the Daddy's hand in Fambly Sarcus

just dig in and eat me out

like you would a dying porpoise

feast upon the tender innards

hollow out my bloated corpus

My Mother, The Car Crash

(verse 1)

mother lived a life of domestic sin

overdosed on Valium, but came back again

reincarnated as a Lincoln Continental

she's just got a new job as an Ace rental

i climb in, like birth in reverse,

to this luxury womb, air conditioned and perverse

turn on the radio, and to my surprise

it's mother's voice asking if i stopped sucking off guys

she bitches at my driving, but i just scoff

pull the handbrake so i can jack mommy off

get some airport prostitutes, fuck em in the back

when i come inside my mom, i can hear the laugh-track

(chorus)

drive to work in a suicide bomb

"buckle your seatbelt" FUCK YOU, MOM

on our way to a fatal collision

hope it looks cool on television

"nag, nag, nag" as i drive to death

at least it's this, and not crystal meth

her paint job and my skin both peel

mommy and me in a tangle of steel

(verse 2)

she won't stop asking if i've found a nice girl

how do i explain that auto crashes are my world?

i like getting rear-ended cuz i feel it in the ass

and i get turned on by shattered safety glass

but riding mother into walls beats all the rest

a two for one fetish, motorpheliac incest

i aim her grill at an oncoming truck

cross the double yellow line, now it's time to fuck

the instant of collision is the ultimate drug

the cab crumples round me in a death hug

at the point of impact, i blast my ball butter

the theme song plays as my blood fills the gutter

Return Of The Failuremen

late night tv infomercials

broadcast sattelite transmission

just found a new audience

in another solar system

crushed by cosmic loneliness

so cold and vast they wished to die

but now they sought to make first contact

and build up their ass and thighs

they found the earth was abandoned

human race reduced to ash

great cities deep underwater

all that's left is plastic trash

floating on the greasy surface

the garbage of a million years

last monument to the species

scented douches, diet beers

all the Star Wars merchandise

nobody's left alive to want

plus every fleshlight ever made,

a continent of rubber cunts

one billion crusty pocket pussies

non-biodegradable

each one a bio-time capsule

of genetic material

the visitors took DNA from

these dead sperm sarcophagi

to clone the beings who had shot

their loads to sailor moon hentai

the irony is that these losers

who would never get to breed

were now granted life eternal

by their very wasted seed

excited by the prospect of

intelligent companionship

they took their newborn friends along

on an intergalactic trip

they made a human habitat

to put the hominids at ease

unaware they had revived

a dormant two-legged disease

the hairless monkeys soon returned

to their degenerate pursuits

dressing in their native costume:

fanny packs and fursuits

halfway to alpha centurai

they began to see their folly

when the replicator jammed

with cartoon pony blow-up dollies

seeing what they'd recreated

the starmen lost any hope

LARPing DBZ is one thing

socks with sandals? fucking nope

so they opened up the airlocks

jettisoned the biodome

flushed that garbage into space

they know they're better off alone

Sex Cartridge

(verse 1)

last night, Parker Video

what i found, i did not know

couldn't wait til i got home

to play some Super Videodrome

in the basement, up all night

hypnotized by flashing light

gray matter began to change

warping and producing strange

brain tumor hallucinations

causing genital mutations

sitting on the padded seat

i could feel my throbbing meat

split wide open like a twat

a pulsating cartridge slot

into this emergent sex

i inserted Mega Man X

(chorus)

plug it in

and turn me on

jerking off on the futon

flesh errupting in new organs

dick's harder than robotron

blow me out

and stick it in

reprogram my scrotum skin

rated B for "body horror"

hit reset to play again

(verse 2)

each game brings new body parts

swap Contra for Mario Kart

a steering wheel explodes from my guts

now this thing is driving me nuts

plug Battlemaniacs in my slit

i'm breaking out in nipples and clits

every pore is squirting gravy

my own flesh will not obey me

unresponsive to commands

i don't recognize my hand

welded to a zapper pistol

made out of a veiny gristle

shoots a toxic megawad

to blow my SNES back to God

so ends my last JO sesh

long live the new flesh