Jesus Sucks

(verse 1)

peanut butter in your cooch

getting licked out by the pooch

get your pussy clean for prom night

with an extra-chunky douche

vacuum nozzle on my pole

power setting: rock and roll

if jesus christ was still alive

i would let him suck my soul

(chorus)

time to bust the dust

from my penis

hasn't been used

since the jews

killed jesus

plugged my goober

into the hoover

vaccuum-bag

full of foreskin cheeses

duct-tape date

with a girl named mariah

ate her lunchmeat

like i'm oscar myer

i found a cheeto

in my speedo

get down and pray

the smegmessiah

(verse 2)

happy feelings come from drugs

have you ever smoked a hug?

drop a couple hits of joy

now i'm melting on the rug

ayn rand's pussy on my shelf

stole it from a texan elf

looks a bit like ed gein's fleshlight

i go galt and fuck myself

(verse 3)

homeless people in the park

i like to hunt them after dark

mainline bathsalts in my eyeball

bite your face off like a street shark

jacked off on your church's pews

your mom sat down in my goo

nine months later, she felt bloated

took a shit and it was you

Hulkster in Hell

(verse 1)

little billy wanted to grow up to be you

he bought all your merchandise, never missed a payperview

one day he shit blood in the bathroom stall

too much lead paint on his hulk hogan doll

now he's in st. jude's getting tumors removed

when he gets a special visit from you-know-who

when he saw you at his bed he shed tears of joy

you told him he was a brave little boy

then you ripped your shirt and he tried to do it too

but he pulled his stitches and his organs spilled all over you

(chorus)

now he's a hulkster in hell and it's all your fault

peeled alive by demons and rolled in salt

he's a hulkster in hell and he'll see you there

when you're eighty years old and you fall down the stairs

he's a hulkster in hell and it's all your fault

split on satan's cock like the san andreas fault

he's a hulkster in hell and he'll see you there

when you die all alone and nobody cares

(verse 2)

little travis was your biggest fan of all

three hundred pounds but only four feet tall

eight candles were lit on his birthday cake

and then his older brother pulled a really funny prank

but the silly string ignited like a can of napalm

it stuck to the kids, it stuck to their mom

this is how the inferno was started:

hulkamania sweat pants are not flame retarded

he rolled down the hill like a burning tire

it took firefighters days to put out the grease fire

nanopenis

(verse 1)

i don't have much

to work with down below

it just looks like

a ballsack with an afro

next to me a pencil dick

looks pretty chunky

you might have a shrimp

but i've got a sea monkey

when i jack off

i need a magnifying glass

like Slylock Fox

in the Case of the Crabs

more elusive than the

chemical munitions of Iraq

excuse me while i find

my needle in the haystack

(chorus)

nanopenis, nanopenis

itty bitty dick

hold still and you might

feel a pinprick

nanopenis, nanopenis

tinly little choad

the sperm go single file

when i squirt my load

nanopenis, nanopenis

microscopic knob

i got a handjob

from a pseudopod

nanopenis, nanopenis

scrotum starts to fizz

got so blocked up

that i'm sweating out jizz

(verse 2)

smaller than a twig

more like a bean sprout

you can use it like a Q-tip

to clean your ears out

fuck a girl on the bus

and she won't even notice

squeeze out my cream filling

and i'm gone like Hostess

a North Korean girl

would be kind of nice

because i could fill her up

with my little grain of rice

i'll never be large enough

to satisfy a lady

but i can fuck this thimble

stuffed inside a Beanie Baby

Dungeon Rapist

(verse 1)

on the night of our first big date

i was so excited that i had to masturbate

i pulled up in the van, said "sorry i'm late--

but i brought you some flowers,

chloroform, and duct tape"

wake up tied up in a cave

see the sign posted on the autoclave:

"bad girls go in here when they misbehave"

so enjoy your new life

as my basement slave

(chorus)

dungeon rapist

cheaper than a wife

and divorce is as simple

as a butcher knife

dungeon rapist

easy to explain:

you'll either give head

or get it in the brain

dungeon rapist

it's kind of like Hell

except with Glade plug-ins

to cover up the smell

(verse 2)

welcome now to my dungeon lair

known as the pit of endless despair

here's a razor to shave off all of your hair

for the hard-to-reach spots

several gallons of Nair

it might take you a couple weeks to adjust

to your What Would Jesus Do zip-tie handcuffs

in the next few years, you'll learn to like it rough

now i hope your pussy's hungry

it's about to get stuffed

(verse 3)

spend the next decade chained to a pipe

say "thank you" when i rape you or get it twice

they're supposed to be the best days of your life

they'll be your last days if you don't

fold my laundry right

i could've pulled out, but i said fuck it

you're only here so i can shoot my load up it

your child has a bright future as my finger puppet

when the kid pops out, please

aim for the bucket

(bridge)

here comes mack

attack from the back

beat 'em up and tie 'em up and put 'em in a sack

take 'em to the basement and hang 'em on a rape rack

next thing: it's time to feed pussy snacks

to my trouser snake or get tummyaches in my nutsack

fun fact:

if you try to go slack

you might get piled in the dead body stack

(if i need a to-go box, your legs get whacked

make you fun-sized, so you can fit in a backpack)

RetroVirus

(verse 1)

stuck in the 1990s

infected with bad taste

my head's a backed-up toilet

clogged with pop-cultural waste

with artifacts of false nostalgia

heaped up in a pile

just waiting for the time

when neon slime is back in style

collecting unsuspectingly

but little did i know

that one day i would contract

an STD from GI Joe

(chorus)

RETROVIRUS (repeated)

(verse 2)

fragments of the past emerge

from underneath my hide

the greenish warts upon my choad

are sprouting little army guys

the growth under my armpit:

a plastic turtle shell

it opened on a hinge and out

the ninja weapons fell

a thousand lost accessories

errupting from my back

the flesh softens and liquefies

i'm turning into gak

(verse 3)

mutating, replicating,

different forms at my selection

a norfin troll ten stories tall

with dino damage 'rection

molting used-up memories,

i leave behind my mark:

a trail of crusty action scabs

that glow in the dark

in an avalanche of useless garbage

you couldn't forget

you'll be buried by a million tons

of stupid plastic shit

Beef Twinkie

(verse 1)

discount beef is what's for dinner

bite into a liquid center

teeth sink in and it comes spilling

suck the creamy custard filling

such a bargain, it's a steal

dinner and dessert in the same meal

(chorus)

thanks to the Hostess-Tyson merger

something great has come about

better than the waffle burger

or chocolate-flavored sauer kraut

marketing has got a scheme

to sell the meat that's green and stinky:

wrap it in a plastic sleeve

and we'll call it the Beef Twinkie

(verse 2)

home from market, what a treat

it's the new, improved white meat

now with twice the sticky goo

you don't even have to chew

so rich and tasty, it's a crime

pork and pudding at the same time

(verse 3)

boneless, breaded, finger-lickin'

Hostess' home-style deep fried chicken

no need to tire your jawbone out

just squeeze'em out into your mouth

so delicious, it's a sin

but that's not frosting on your chin

Douching With Mutagen

(verse 1)

a prostitute walks into a sewer

her name was "Bitch" to people that knew her

she was in need to wash out her cooze

when she tripped on a cannister of the ooze

she packed the glowing muck up her slit

shampooed her muff while she was at it

contaminating colonies of coochie chiggers

before she knew it they were getting bigger

soon four of the scaly crotch lobsters

had grown up to the size of monsters

that wasn't the only change, either

she'd been transformed into a beaver

she gave them names from the old masters:

Biggie, Snoop, 2-Pac, Ol' Dirty Bastard

with gear they stole from Medieval Times

they set out to make war on crime

(chorus)

Adolescent Knight Crustaceans

Pussy Parasite Mutations

Adolescent Knight Crustaceans

The Most Bodacious Infestation

(verse 2)

a six-foot crawfish might be scary

but they'll be your friend if your pussy's hairy

they all jump in the Scabies Van

then they're off to fight the Ding Dong Clan

the Pussy Shredder will be ready

with his two goons, Meatsock and Flopsteady

with slashing blades and flailing maces

the gnits will knock them on their faces

afterwards our heroes take

a very well-earned hot dog break

and then it's back to Crab HQ

where a talking beaver says what to do

for the hundredth time they hear explained

the story of how they became

the first and only pubic lice

with their own brand of merchandise

(theme song outro)

ADOLESCENT KNIGHT CRUSTACEANS (X3)

HEROES IN YOUR HAIRPIE

COOTIE POWER