Summon the Destructor

lowlife, no friends

lonely creep on a downward trend

too submerged in scum to pretend

summon the destructor

bring it to an end

run wild, defile

desecrate the asshole of a christian child

commit wanton acts of mutilation most vile

summon the destructor

do it with a smile

unclean desires

examplars of virtue, put them in the fire

string their blackened skulls from a wire

summon the destructor

make the earth a pyre

Hillbilly Teeth

(verse 1)

the little goblin in my pants named Rumpled Dick-skin's

only got one eye, just like Snake Pliskin

guess his name right or you'll be forced

to give up your firstborn when he Escapes From My Shorts

Sally put together a new fetish ensemble

from dime store gags and late night commercials

plastic vomit pasties on her flabby tits

and a strap-on made from a lump of rubber dog shit

bent over the futon, she gave me the business

dick in the rubber chicken to catch all my Jizz-iness

then we reached the point where I begged her to stop

when she opened her legs up and showed me her chops

(chorus)

HILLBILLY TEETH, AS SEEN ON T.V.

MADE IN TAIWAN AND NOW THEY'RE IN YOUR PUSSY

A TUMOROUS GROWTH CONCEALED IN YOUR SLIT

LOOKS LIKE SOME DAVID CRONENBERG SHIT

HILLBILLY TEETH, A VAGINAL GRIN

WITH A SWEATY ASSCRACK FOR A CLEFT CHIN

GYNOCOLOGISTS SAY PREVENT TOOTH LOSS

YOU CAN USE YOUR TAMPON STRING TO FLOSS

(verse 2)

although her soggy taco looked quite diseased,

I can't judge because I've got my own tendencies

of sticking things where they don't belong

it's all just research for another song

I pervert your memories of youth with retrophilia

making sex toys of your 80's memorabilia

Darth Vader's helmet unlocks my rusty keyhole

his little red lightsaber's stuck inside my peehole

but everything I do is in the name of science

I'd not abuse a novelty dental appliance

if you hang out with Sally you might want to check her

if she sat on your lap she could bite off your pecker

Jacking Off

(verse 1)

I need to get a job

but I'd rather play DOOM

jack off to cartoons

in my mom's spare bedroom

dreaming up scenarios

that would make you throw up

at this rate, i'm not ever

gonna grow up

closing in on thirty

and i haven't done shit

i never got started

so i can't just quit

spending hours practicing

on my skin flute

another day

just another fuckin' trivial pursuit

(chorus)

you got your master's?

I JACKED OFF!

took a trip to europe?

I JACKED OFF!

dream job with a pension?

I JACKED OFF!

i wasted my time jacking off!

you're getting married?

I JACKED OFF!

first kid's on the way? well,

I JACKED OFF!

bought a house in the suburbs?

I JACKED OFF!

i used my life up jacking off!

(verse 2)

waiting for the end

just running out the clock

and the kids i'll never have

they were squirted in a sock

i'd be lonely but i've got a

.30 Mauser for a wife

i could never kill myself

because i've never had a life

self-discovery turned out to be

a pretty bad plan

though i've learned what a disgusting

piece of fucking shit i am

XTRO-sexual

paraphiliac

with a couple extra testicles

hanging in my sac

(verse 3)

so i got a lot of nothing

and it didn't cost a dime

turns out wasting your potential

buys a lot of spare time

when all's said and done

i'll have two regrets

should have done more drugs

and had more sex

any time i start to worry

that you're having all the fun

i just think about the day

the earth will crash into the sun

your accomplishments

are fucking gay

i'm glad i threw

my life away

Maxwell's Maggots

Click here to read the text of the story.

Easy Homo

(verse 1)

lost in the punani desert

my dessicated flower wilts

but lonely hearts have dark delights

that's why i write such excellent filth

developing new deviations

propagating the perverse

this place is gross enough as it is

but i've made it my business to make it worse

it's my revenge for all the bitter

years when i could not get laid

just watching other people play the games

in this sweaty, throbbing flesh arcade

(chorus)

it's easy to suck

when you live on your knees

here is the fag--

do as you please

i've learned to not worry

and love my disease

this shit would be sad

if i weren't such a sleaze

(verse 2)

how to win friends and influence sluts

two basic skills that i failed to master

all human contact slips through my hands

that's why i am such a fucking disaster

faster and faster, downwards i go

all alone, no co-pilot at the controls

out of desparation, i could go queer

volunteering the services of my asshole

i might end up at a republican conference

methed out and getting stuffed from both ends

as i'm filled with cream like twinkie the kid

i think to myself, "this is like having friends"

Swede Emulsion

(verse 1)

helga signed up for foreign exchange

looking for a change of pace and some strange

at school she met a senior named paul

after closing time, snuck into the mall

fooled around on top of the raffle car

on the cellphone kiosks and the juice bar

in the foodcourt below, he ate her taco

stuck an eggroll in her box and took her to go

on the way back up, he got an idear

paul said, "we should just fuck right here"

on the escalator, on all fours

and try to get off before the top floor

but her hair hung low and soon got stuck

now she would really, truly be fucked

for a moment's fun her life would be paid

so this is how Swedish Meatballs are made

(chorus)

love on an escalator

her hair gets caught and she gets pulled down

love on an escalator

in the machine's teeth, there her beef is ground

(verse 2)

teen sex comedy turns to snuff porn

blonde hair turned red as her scalp was torn

she leaned in for a mechanical kiss

she'd been eaten before, but never like this

as she tried to push herself away

her fingers were removed in a crimson spray

up to her elbows as the gears chewed

her bones into pulp and a pink mist spewed

and as for paul, he still didn't stop

even as helga turned into slop

head and shoulders had disappeared

but he still had time to get in her rear

she continued to scream as she turned to pulled pork

sounding less and less human and more like bjork

as her ass became paste, he had to J.O.

you can't make a ham salad without the mayo

Lich Hedberg

(verse 1)

long before his time

mitch was dead of too much fun

right on the verge of fame

just a taste and it was done

he floated as a shade

in the land of dead comedians

now lured from the grave

with high-grade ectoheroin

draw the magic circle with

the purest bogota cocaine

say the words and see the spirit

starting to take shape again

in the consecrated bowl

pour the breakfast cereal

if we're lucky, hell was fun

and he's got new material

(chorus)

back from hell for a midnite revue

admission: one soul, so the joke's on you

chains of the damned have you strapped in tight

better get comfy cuz i'm here all night

my phylactery hashpipe never runs dry

thou cannot kill what is really fucking high

shoot dope-filled hollowpoints into my head

you can't OD when you're already dead

(verse 2)

stand-up necromedian

on a cemetary stage

notes for his routines

tattooed on a human page

his red glowing eyes

view the captive audience

shackled by the balls

nipples nailed to monuments

laughter torn from throats

humor highjacked by the hex

no matter what the setup

the punchline is murdersex

if there's no applause

he'll chop off your fucking hands

then look for new and better drugs

he can extract from your glands

Hot Fudge Sunday

(verse 1)

when righteous minds are touched by the devil's black hand

tainted thoughts turn to the wickedest plans

like holy wafers baked with vanilla ex-lax

and communion wine spiked with an aphrodesiac

staring down at his handiwork, the reverend jobe

jerks himself off underneath his black robe

juices drip from the lips of the unshaven slits

and the congregation wriggles as they get the holy shits

(chorus)

cleanse your soul and colon too

baptismal font of rectal spew

now let your inner demons go

and watch the chocolate lava flow

purging you of all corruption

spicy taco beef erruption

if you've got the right disease

your dick supplies the nacho cheese

all the holy ghosts are moaning

as the horny goats are boning

pale white flesh besmeared with grime

hot fudge sunday sexy time

(verse 2)

it's a potluck where everybody brought the bean dip

there's a mess on the tile, so try not to slip

now crawl through the muck like a christian crocodile

then peel off your panties and jump in the pile

the sunday school kids can teach you how to fingerpaint

with the stuff they found caked around the preacher's wife's taint

sculpt a poopy pulpit from a pile of nutty fudge

and preach a scatreligious sermon on the sacrament of sludge