"because we can."
The Operator smiled.
They had found the ideal test market. "Volunteers" had been selected and equipment put in place.
Now, all he had to do was watch (under the console, he's rubbing his crotch).
Tune In to Turn On Your Bloodthirsty Dinosaur Brainstem
tune in to turn on
tune in to turn on
tune in to turn on
your bloodthirsty dinosaur brain
-stem
lights dimmed
still up at 3 A.M.
on channel 3 the chief is hanging from a maple limb
you change the station but there's nothing on but screaming meat
it's still a nice distraction from the murders in the street
don't bother putting extra locks on the door
it's not even safe
inside your head anymore
tune in to turn on
tune in to turn on
tune in to turn on
your bloodthirsty dinosaur brain
-waves
mass grave
out behind the Shop n' Save
your baloney had a first name and it was Dave
it was 2nd grade when you remember meeting him
beat him off but never thought that someday you'd be eating him
white bread and mayonaise
white lines on the tv tray
awake all night playing the games that antipeople play
tune in to turn on
tune in to turn on
tune in to turn on
your bloodthirsty dinosaur brain
-juice
cut loose
put the Remington to use
the only thing that's held you back is needing an excuse
the television told you where to find the enemy
they're all around you, pretending to be your family
deal with them ruthlessly
hunt them through the rumpus room
beneath the foosball table, cringing, waiting for the BOOM
Sex Watson
(verse 1)
we drive around
and pick a random house
pick the lock
quiet as a mouse
through the dark
we crawl so creepy
follow our nose
to your peepee
sneak stealthily
up the stairs
hear you whisper
"is there somebody there?"
pull up the covers
i'll show you a trick
the devil's business
is sucking dick
(chorus)
i am the devil
and i'm here to suck you
if you want
i'll get buttfucked too
hush up
or you'll wake the wife
i don't wanna show her
my bowie knife
just lay back
in the bed
and furry freaks
will give you head
without a sound
they'll take the cream
and fade out
like a dying dream
(verse 2)
i get instructions
from The Monkees reruns
i had some acid
and a loaded handgun
Micky Dolenz told me
go into town
get into bed with married men
and monkey around
in the morning
you'll open your eyes
you feel great
but don't remember why
you haven't fucked your wife
in a year
look into the mirror
and admit you're a queer
Let Them Eat Static
Click here to read the text.
Slaughter in the Shriner Hall
(verse 1)
on the outskirts of town
is an occultic temple
where sinister forces
of darkness assemble
bust in the door
disrupt the meeting
a feast of some kind
where the swine are all feeding
before the scum
have a chance to object
a third degree mason
is snagged by the neck
if they won't say
what their evil plans are
chop them to bits
with their own scimitar
a throat pops open
like it's dispensing pez
hey buddy
you dropped your fez
(chorus)
(1-2-3-4)
slaughter in the shriner hall
(controlled no more)
conspirators against the wall
(5-6-7-8)
tasseled hats are in a pile
(act now, don't wait)
until they reach the ceiling tile
(1-2-3-4)
slaughter in the shriner hall
(give them what for)
pick up a bat and have a ball
(5-6-7-8)
bricks and bottleglass are hurled
(release your hate)
at the secret rulers of the world
(verse 2)
where's all the moolah?
where is the idol?
where's the viewscreen
for the all-seeing eyeball?
where's the ill-gotten
wealth that you've hid?
money you stole
from the crippled and burned kids
there's a wet bar
let's all get blotto
while we bring the wrath of god
to the grotto
precious moments
recorded to tape
see the pigs run
but there is no escape
try to get away
in your funny little car
your foot on the gas
but your ass won't get far
Mothmen at Work
(verse 1)
something is wrong here
just in the past year
you're noticing white vans
at every stoplight and
you've been hearing rumors
of shadowy loomers
of night visitations
and dog mutilations
strangers in dark suits
linemen in moon boots
malevolent phone calls
shrivelling your balls
the radio's screeching
intruders are breaching
the thing in the doorway
is not going away
(chorus)
there's something in the air
that's just not right
like the flutter of gigantic wings in flight
you hear funny things at night
whatever you do
don't look into the light
(verse 2)
bunches of bigfeet
are hungry for pigmeat
they reach into your mind
and say "come to the treeline"
there's things in the backwoods
like figures in black hoods
the way that they're movin'
you're not sure that they're human
this place has a bad smell
it's making your throat swell
you're vomiting from dread
it's not just in your head
you're caught in the fear wave
a hominid love slave
for entities unknown
exploring your e-zones
BeasTV
(verse 1)
so, you think your soul is saved
you're not afraid of the grave
in paradise you will awaken
you'll find you are mistaken
in fact, hell awaits you
turns out even jesus hates you
salvation is a lie
it's all damnation when you die
the whole thing was a trick
you even let em cut your dick
sorry, you're not on the list
your offerings were money pissed
away
there's no reason to bother
paying bribes to the father
you should send those checks to me
and make em payable
to BeasTV
(chorus)
the Rev has what you need
only i can intercede
with the one who rules in hell
and see to it they treat you well
you should do as you please
instead of praying on your knees
fuck that god shit, pray to me
pledge your heart and soul to BeasTV
(verse 2)
give monthly to the show
i'll put a word in down below
and when you're thrown into the pit
you'll be condemned with benefits
instead of searing flame
you'll fill your time with fun and games
frolick in the sea with snorks
torture mormons with a fork
but while you're here on earth
take this life for all it's worth
fuck and fight and drink in bars
push old folks in front of cars
though my love isn't free
there are rewards for loyalty
join the fanclub, get my brand
on your forehead and right hand
Golf Cart with Guillotine
it's efficient, quick and clean
(golf cart with guillotine)
quiet down, don't make a scene
(golf cart with guillotine)
here we come across the green
(golf cart with guillotine)
welcome to the death machine
(golf cart with guillotine)
we'll set up in the public square
(golf cart with guillotine)
and we're cutting more than hair
(golf cart with guillotine)
it may seem tough, but it's fair
(golf cart with guillotine)
we do it because we care
(golf cart with guillotine)
you'll find us at the shopping mall
(golf cart with guillotine)
or the VFW hall
(golf cart with guillotine)
the country club, we killed them all
(golf cart with guillotine)
heads are heaped a hundred tall
(golf cart with guillotine)
the costume shop we took by storm
(golf cart with guillotine)
that's how we got these uniforms
(golf cart with guillotine)
the sacred oaths of fealty sworn
(golf cart with guillotine)
we took the mark and were reborn
(golf cart with guillotine)
Civil War Two at Memorial Park
(verse 1)
more fun than a cat in the trash compactor
the society of civil war reenactors
all get together on a summer day
to sweat and bleed in blue and gray
down in the park, you can see 'em
with a cannon liberated from the museum
and it's full of ball bearings from the hardware store
they're not doing it the sissy way anymore
live ammunition, real bayonets
blood, shit, and gunsmoke, as good as it gets
see these fratricidal brothers
shoot and bash and gut each other
(chorus)
you liked the first one
so here's part two
underneath the dead eyes
of the doughboy statue
dying drag their guts through the grass
as canada geese eat corn from their asses
channel 3 is on the scene
live with the action news team
it's the low budget sequel
made for tv
if the ratings are good
we'll do civil war 3
(verse 2)
bloated bodies blown apart
this ain't a war, it's modern art
too old to soldier, they're middle-aged
in a heart attack-inducing rage
the period-accurate nurse's station
has no anesthetic for the amputations
limbs are stacked up in a pile
looks like they've been swimming with crocodiles
marching on their gory stumps
they crawl over cadaver clumps
the last two men meet at the plaque
and die chewing off one another's sack
(spoken word outro part)
As the smoke cleared, the crowd of onlookers applauded for the lumps of tissue scattered across the half-acre battlefield. There were no survivors left to take a bow, but it seemed like they would have wanted it this way. For who among them had never dreamed of a reenactment turning into a live-fire excercise?
From down the street came the high-pitched whine of an electric motor struggling under a heavy burden of flesh, bone, and steel. It was accompanied by the sound of dozens of sneakered feet marching in unison. The Antichrist Youth and their mobile decapitation unit on patrol.
The Channel 3 Action News cam turned its lens on the kids as they approached. Their dress was a mishmosh of military kit from different times: Imperial German spike helmets, bronze Roman centurian breastplates, and the black lacquered guantlets and shin guards of a samurai, with khaki and olive drab Boy Scout uniforms underneath. They smiled serenely, their eyes glassy and unblinking as the television camera lens zooming on their tattooed foreheads.
Members of the crowd began gathering up discarded rifle muskets from the bloodstained grass. Even the firearms novices among them understood that plastic costume armor won't stop a lead musketball. The Juvie-SS continued to advance, unimpressed by the volunteer firing squad forming ahead. But when a 19th century field artillery piece was wheeled out and pointed in their direction, their step faltered, their smiles fading. Then they flew all to pieces in a shower of grapeshot.
The Operator smiled. He'd jerked himself off to scenes of unspeakable violence and depravity in the past month, until his dark wool trousers could stand on their own. But at this point civil disturbance had become open warfare, and the manual was clear about what should follow. Now he actually had something to do. He turned to the console in the back of the van and pushed the big red button labeled KILL EVERYTHING.
The Final Cookout
they've barricaded all the roads out of town
there are armed patrols that'll mow you down
there's a stench of burning flesh in the air, but still
it's a nice enough day to fire up the grill
we're having the endtime
of all our lives
i hope that not a single man
woman or child survives
KILL ME, I'M STUPID
look to the horizon
and wait for the flash
big smiles, everybody
and we turn into ash
KILL ME, I'M STUPID
I DESERVE TO DIE
i hope that everybody wanted theirs well-done
thanks, uncle sam, a megaton
the one-second tan, wrinkle erasing (it erases wrinkles by erasing your skin)
frank plumps up til he splits his casing
polyster's melted
to the patio chair
there's a shadow on the wall
of someone who's not there
KILL ME, I'M STUPID
a second sun rises
in the white hot sky
all the flags are on fire
on the 4th of july
KILL ME, I'M STUPID
I DESERVE TO DIE
now it's all over
and it's just as well
you're asleep all your life
then you wake up in hell
BBQ
me and you
stinky pinky
phew phew phew
KILL ME, I'M STUPID
I DESERVE TO DIE